Friends and family - I have exciting news! I’ve left my job and embarked on a year-long sabbatical. I feel energized, joyful, nervous, and hopeful for what lies ahead. I want to share with you my reasons, my goals, my tentative plans, and what I’ve learned so far. I also want to let you know how to best support me during this time. (Keep reading below…)
Reasons:
I’m more than a decade into my career, and I feel so grateful for the jobs I’ve had. I’ve learned so much, been challenged intellectually, and met so many brilliant colleagues, bosses, and leaders. The work has been rewarding in many ways, including equipping me to serve several non-profits I am passionate about, especially the Minnesota Orchestra.
However, over Christmas when a friend asked me what I was hoping for in 2019 (both at work and more broadly) – I went blank. As I reflected, I realized I’d have been equally nonplussed if he’d asked me, “What are you hoping for in the rest of your life?”
Why? Yes, 2017 and 2018 were full of setbacks. However, I thought I’d weathered them and responded with grit. When my two mentors quit at work, I doubled down, earned new responsibilities, higher pay, and a new title. When some of the most important relationships in my life fell apart, I was devastated, but I worked hard to make new friends. When my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, I tried to make the best of it, and made sure to see her 1-2 times per week. When I felt my body and mind were getting weak from obsessing on work, I recommitted to piano lessons, running 15-20 miles every weekend, learning to rock climb, and reading several books per month. My CV for 2017-2018 was full, and these experiences helped me grow. However, as I reflect now, I realize my ways of thinking and being were the same as before – as were my goals, dreams, and fears. I was fundamentally the same person, just further along “the achievement path.” I was tired, but onwards I went – soldiering on, working hard to find and earn the next affirmation.
Until January -- everything changed. In the aftermath of it all, especially my grandmother’s death, a number of things became clear to me. One, I too will die. Even if it is decades away, it will come soon. Two, my “achievements” felt hollow. Three, at the deepest level I was not happy – not in general, and certainly not with myself. Four, I knew so many people wanted to care for me, and yet I felt trapped in my loneliness and isolation. Five, I was exhausted. Yes, I could probably keep on keeping on, but increasingly I was asking myself, “why bother?”. And lastly, I knew I should be overwhelmed with grief, but I felt emotionally deadened, and I couldn’t find any tears.
These were not happy revelations. And initially I didn’t know what to do with them. Thankfully, a number of unexpected conversations (with strangers, friends I hadn’t spoken to in years, and mentors) changed that. In these conversations I learned many of their stories. In many of them there was a moment when the bottom dropped out and that person chose (or was forced to choose) to make a radical break from the path they had been on. For those that embraced the invitation to change – the person often ended up taking 6-12 months away from “life as usual”. Some explored new passions, some healed, others went deeper into their old passions in new ways. For all of them this “time-away” led them to re-examine themselves, dream new dreams, and try living differently than before. Some came back to their prior field, some moved on. All of them said the experience transformed them.
Hearing these stories struck a chord for me, and immediately I knew that I needed to take a sabbatical. Moreover, I realized I have the time, health, resources, and lack any immediate responsibilities to do it now. So, I asked myself, if not now, when?
My Goals for the Sabbatical
I realize how rare this opportunity is, so I want to be intentional about how I am using this time. Below are the goals that have emerged for me. I am using this list to determine how to spend my time:
· Heal: grieve what’s been lost, take responsibility for my mistakes, and regain my physical and emotional vitality
· Reflect: cultivate greater self-awareness and compassion for myself and others
· Explore (my passions and the world): say yes to activities that give me life and are different from what I was doing before in my work -- creatively, physically, spiritually, and intellectually
· Re-imagine: who I am and what is possible in my life
· Discern: where I’m going next
What I’ve Done So Far and My Plan
· Winter: one day this winter my yoga teacher approached me and suggested I sign up for an intensive Level 1 teacher training with Barron Baptiste. Historically, I would have dismissed the idea outright (… the time, cost, impracticality, and I’d never heard of Barron!). However, something in my gut told me to “say yes”; also, as I analyzed it, it fit with so many of my 2019 goals (healing, reflecting, and exploring). The training was only a week away and I didn’t know if I could still sign up. I decided – why not try. So, I called asking to be let in. They said yes. So, I got a ticket and flew to Sedona days later.
I’m so glad I did! It was the most transformational experience I’ve ever had. Taken together -- the meditation, inquiry, discussion, practice teaching, and asana practice --helped me to see patterns in my life that were invisible to me before. At the core of it, I realized that I have long believed that “I don’t deserve to be loved.” I see now that that story has been silently shaping my life choices, self-talk, and how I have been present with others my entire life. I also now understand why it’s been so hard for me to let this belief go and what it has cost me – including years of self-imposed loneliness, lack of pride at my accomplishments, broken relationships, unnecessary conflict, fear-based decisions, and alienation from people who wanted to support me. Seeing this was very painful at first. However, once I realized its absurdity, and that this doesn’t have to be my story anymore, everything shifted. That is who I was, it is not who I truly am. Who I truly am is caring, joyful, open, and confident. This realization has made me feel more empowered, energized, and joyful than any time I can remember.
[I also came out of the training certified to teach yoga – so, if anyone wants a private yoga lesson I’d love to teach you :) ].
· Spring and Early Summer: As I brainstormed what projects to pursue next, my old dream of hiking every National Park and National Forest in the US kept coming back to me. The more I thought about it, the more it felt right. While on the road I will develop artistically (photographing and writing), intellectually (history, geology, ecology, biology, and environmental conservation), and physically (hiking, climbing, and camping). Doing it as a multi-month trip (similar to when I walked the Camino with my family) really appealed to me as well. When I move slowly and give ideas space to emerge I see the world in new ways – and that’s exactly what I want right now. Lastly being on the road for so long will change me in unexpected ways as I connect with old friends, meet new people, get lost, discover new paths, face unexpected danger, confront old fears, have time to reflect, and discover new vistas. I did a trail week on the road a few weeks ago, and now have fully committed to it after leaving Minnesota again earlier this week.
· Late Summer and Fall: I realize that even in the next few months I may see only a portion of our National Parks. So, as the summer goes on I may continue with the project, or I may shift my focus entirely to something different – perhaps volunteering at a nonprofit or a presidential campaign, taking a long trip through Asia, or doing something I haven’t conceived of yet. I want to hold open the space to see what emerges and feels right as I transform.
How to Support Me During This Next Phase
· If you live in the west: I hope to see you.
· If you have traveled in the west: recommendations for hikes, climbs, experiences, and people I should meetalong the way
· If you consume social media: let me know what you think of my photographs and reflections. If you like what I post, please encourage others to follow my page
· If you are religious: prayers for safety and discernment
· If you call, email, or text me: please be patient if I’m slow to respond
· For everyone: if you ever went on a similar journey of self-discovery – I’d love to hear your story and how your adventure changed you
Conclusion
Joseph Campbell once wrote: “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path.” Before January, I imagined I could see the path I was on and its shape all the way to grave. Now that I’ve jumped off to make my own path, I don’t know what lies ahead – but here we go… thank you for walking beside me as I venture into this new, exciting and still unknown world of possibilities.
